ENGLAND CRUSHING

On the evening of Sat., June 12, 2010, we expect to be holed up in Castle Limey with the drawbridge raised and defenses at full in an attempt to halt a baying mob of SI.com journalists, distraught at the U.S. national team's defeat to our mighty Three Lions.

We accept that you're world leaders in pointlessly putting wood on station wagons. We appreciate that you've had major names such as ex-Norwich and Coventry stalwart Darren Huckerby starring in Major League Soccer. And we acknowledge your genius in hosting the most staged penalty "miss" in World Cup Opening Ceremony history. But we're afraid that's not going to be enough to beat our boys in Rustenburg, South Africa, next year. Poor Bob Bradley will be mopping up the spillage from the can of proverbial whoop-ass we'll be opening onto your starred-and-striped buttocks.

As Team Limey relaxed by a roaring fire in the bowels of Castle Limey last Friday evening, we howled with excitement as we witnessed World Cup draw emcee Charlize Theron playing with some balls, and placing yours alongside ours in Group C. Yes, Theron looked good; but the main reason for our joy was the prospect of six months of heated banter firing from the ramparts of Castle Limey in the direction of you, our friends across the pond.

In all seriousness, England will be wary of you Yanks, and not just those sizeable members of your population who look like they'd eat us in a flash if only we were topped in French's mustard. Clint Dempsey, Fulham's top scorer, is having his best season yet in the English Premier League, while keeper Tim Howard would walk straight into England's No. 1 shirt were he not American. Regardless, we're confident that revenge for the defeat England suffered in the sole competitive meetings between the two sides (the 1950 World Cup, when England went down 1-0 in Brazil) is firmly in the offing.

As we've said in previous columns, Theron's World Cup draw associate and MLS ambassador David Beckham should be in the squad to face his current country of residence -- from the substitute's bench at least. Beckham will be a useful asset to have for England boss Fabio Capello, not only as a player, but also for his intimate knowledge of the U.S. squad. Conversely, it looks like Bradley will have another spy in the EPL with Beckham's Los Angeles Galaxy teammate and U.S. all-time top scorer Landon Donovan on the verge of a loan move to Everton for the lead-up to the World Cup -- an arrangement similar to Beckham's with AC Milan.

After their opening match on June 12, both England and the U.S. realistically should beat the two other teams in the group, who both scraped into the World Cup via playoffs. One is Algeria, a team that has only qualified three times for the World Cup and never gone beyond the first round on any of those occasions. The other is Slovenia, which has qualified only once (in '02) since it was formed out of the 1991 divestiture of Yugoslavia. (The Slovenians lost all three of their group games in South Korea.)

As we see it, England and the U.S.' course through the rest of the tournament is entirely down to their opening match. The losers of that game likely would get a round-of-16 date with Germany, the team that always steps up a gear in big tournaments, and England's penalty-shootout nemesis. That should be incentive enough for England to beat the U.S.

The winners probably will play Michael Essien's Ghana, which we foresee overpowering Australia to second place in that group. Then, assuming results go as one would expect, England could face France in the quarterfinals.